Going into this weekend I had anticipated it being emotionally hard for me.  My mom missing events like this is hard.  It makes things still seem unfair, she should be here to witness and participate in special events like this.  My day got harder when my dad texted early in the morning and told me he was sick.  He would not be able to come to the baptism.  I was now not going to have any parents at the baptism and that was really hard for me.  I sat with JJ in the kitchen before heading to the gym and got emotional.  I also called Lauren on my way to the gym to see what her plans were.  She was coming in town with her family.  They were still coming but would be getting a hotel now for Saturday evening.  I cried with her on the phone.  I feel that my siblings understand me and my emotions so well.  We will all have similar experiences in life when it comes to sadness over our mom not being here.  This event was causing me to feel orphaned.  I had read about that feeling in a grief book and could recognize that is what I was experiencing.  I tried to pull it together and get to my gym class.  As I walked in, I must have still looked teary eyed.  A friend came and gave me a hug and I started to cry all over again.  She was so sweet.  She gave me a nice long hug and then said start your watch, lets workout.  I was thankful for her.  I feel that she was almost acting in place of all my out-of-town siblings who wished they could have hugged me.  I was thankful for a nice workout and it taking my mind off things.  The day was busy with the egg hunt, dying eggs, cleaning the house and all sorts of things that happened at the last minute.  I was so thankful for a nice low key baptism.  I was so thankful for my brother agreeing to give the talk at the last minute.  I was so thankful for all those who made the effort to come and support Nolan and our family.  We wanted to keep the program simple and same with everything else.  We ordered cookies for refreshments, we didn't do a program, we kept the speakers short and only had a few.  As I think of all the beautiful things that we could have done it really didn't matter.  The baptism still happened and the ordinance is really the most important part of the whole day.  All of the extra's would have taken energy that I really didn't have.  I even forgot to print off the words for the songs we were going to sing.  We made it work and had the boys write the words in their handwriting.  We printed them off and handed them out.  I think it was better then printing them off, it made it so personal and made for a fun keepsake.  Everything went perfect in the program.  We were able to send a zoom link to all my family that wasn't there.  They were able to log on and watch the whole program.  JJ baptized Nolan and gave him the Holy Ghost.  He gave him such a nice blessing.  Lucy and Garrett were able to be the witnesses when the boys were baptized.  We were thankful that Grandma and Grandpa Smith were there to be a part of Nolan's special day.  I knew that my mom was there.  I know that she will make an effort to be present for special occasions like this.  I don't know if I felt her presence for sure but during the closing song "I am a child of God" JJ and I both got a little teary.  The spirit was present, and I know that today was a special day.  I am so thankful for the spirit being there.  I almost needed to sit down and feel it.  It was an emotional day for me and being able to take a breath and realize it was ok was something I needed.  We are so proud of Nolan and his decision to be baptized.  I hope he always remembers what a special day it was.  He got to be baptized with his friend Vale and share that special day.  We picked up some Spiced Hen for dinner on our way home.  Lauren and her family joined us for dinner at the house.  They didn't stay long since they wanted to swim in the hotel swimming pool before bedtime.  I am thankful she was able to come and share today with me, same with Jordan and his family.